It's been almost a year since I have written anything in this space of mine.
Over the last year I have struggled with maintaining a proper "online presence". I just plain didn't know what to share or say anymore.
I had been feeling the itch of change at the tale end of 2015. I wasn't sure where it would lead me and what exactly I was going to do with it. I knew that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the box I had painted myself into. I started to doubt this person so many of you see and know (as well as you can in any virtual relationship). I was so wrapped up with how OTHERS saw me that I didn't know how to see myself anymore. I was weary of the people pleasing and the unachievable balance of saying/sharing what you wanted without pissing anyone off. God forbid one get unfriended or unfollowed or unsubscribed to. I felt I was failing at maintaining all the yummy connections I had made over the years. I was exhausted by the egos and the culture of online cliques. I was tired of promotions masked as newsletters, list building and discount codes. Always striving and pushing and keeping up. I was living life in this really bizarre filtered world. Filtered actions, filtered images, filtered words. None of it felt real or tangible anymore.
I was just plain done and so life shifted to accommodate my extreme need for simplicity and realness and I'm so grateful for my surrender.
2016 has been a wild ride filled with highs and lows. In no particular order: My husband and I turned 1 in our "official" partnership. Witnessed our two boys growing into fine young men. I reexamined the relationships I keep and made changes accordingly. Our friendships and ties with the community have grown stronger and more steadying. I found my way back to the pottery wheel. I worked with a councilor on my anxiety and PTSD. We simplified our home by getting rid of a metric shit-ton of stuff. We got a puppy. Then a rabbit. My heart broke and then mended several times over. We traveled quite a bit as a family. I went to Morocco to co-lead a retreat. I rediscovered my love for essential oils. I worked with an intuitive eating coach. I closed my holistic health counseling practice. I discovered tong ren, reiki, polarity and that I have "premature atrial contractions" when under lots of stress.
The most major change in 2016 was that I accepted a directorship position with a non-profit close to home. I love my job. The crazy part, is I hadn't been looking for a new job. Well not really... I was sort of in this limbo of not wanting to be here or there and afraid to make a move either way. So I made a list because that's what I do when I'm lost. I listed all these crazy requirements for a job that would be able to pull me away from what I have spent the last 7 years building. It needed autonomy, creativity, flexibility for my family, good people to collaborate with and clients who needed the kind of support I specialize in...among many other things. Wouldn't yah know I found all of it close to home with some gentle nudging from my husband and beautiful references from some of my favorite people.
So that was then. What about now?
Well, today my bucket feels full. Right now it's all about a quiet November, it feels like a fresh start even though our year is coming to an end. My immediate goals are deep nurturing through the holiday season, lots of time spent walking in the woods, cooking glorious food, making the time to read lovely books, loving on my friends and family, writing when it feels good and for no particular reason and paying attention to what matters.
This is me standing fully in the light - no more filters (except on Instagram of course). Knowing I'm exactly where I need to be, that I deserve to be here and I'm allowed to be absolutely thrilled about it. There is more to come, I'm sure of it. Right now though, I'm all about the ride more than the destination at this stage of the game. November blessings my friends. There sure is a lot to be grateful for.