A Quiet November and a Fresh Start

It's been almost a year since I have written anything in this space of mine. 

Over the last year I have struggled with maintaining a proper "online presence". I just plain didn't know what to share or say anymore. 

I had been feeling the itch of change at the tale end of 2015. I wasn't sure where it would lead me and what exactly I was going to do with it. I knew that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the box I had painted myself into. I started to doubt this person so many of you see and know (as well as you can in any virtual relationship). I was so wrapped up with how OTHERS saw me that I didn't know how to see myself anymore. I was weary of the people pleasing and the unachievable balance of saying/sharing what you wanted without pissing anyone off. God forbid one get unfriended or unfollowed or unsubscribed to. I felt I was failing at maintaining all the yummy connections I had made over the years. I was exhausted by the egos and the culture of online cliques. I was tired of promotions masked as newsletters, list building and discount codes.  Always striving and pushing and keeping up. I was living life in this really bizarre filtered world. Filtered actions, filtered images, filtered words. None of it felt real or tangible anymore.

I was just plain done and so life shifted to accommodate my extreme need for simplicity and realness and I'm so grateful for my surrender.

2016 has been a wild ride filled with highs and lows. In no particular order: My husband and I turned 1 in our "official" partnership. Witnessed our two boys growing into fine young men. I reexamined the relationships I keep and made changes accordingly. Our friendships and ties with the community have grown stronger and more steadying. I found my way back to the pottery wheel. I worked with a councilor on my anxiety and PTSD. We simplified our home by getting rid of a metric shit-ton of stuff. We got a puppy. Then a rabbit. My heart broke and then mended several times over. We traveled quite a bit as a family. I went to Morocco to co-lead a retreat. I rediscovered my love for essential oils. I worked with an intuitive eating coach. I closed my holistic health counseling practice. I discovered tong ren, reiki, polarity and that I have "premature atrial contractions" when under lots of stress. 

 The most major change in 2016 was that I accepted a directorship position with a non-profit close to home. I love my job. The crazy part, is I hadn't been looking for a new job. Well not really... I was sort of in this limbo of not wanting to be here or there and afraid to make a move either way. So I made a list because that's what I do when I'm lost. I listed all these crazy requirements for a job that would be able to pull me away from what I have spent the last 7 years building. It needed autonomy, creativity, flexibility for my family, good people to collaborate with and clients who needed the kind of support I specialize in...among many other things. Wouldn't yah know I found all of it close to home with some gentle nudging from my husband and beautiful references from some of my favorite people. 

So that was then. What about now?

Well, today my bucket feels full. Right now it's all about a quiet November, it feels like a fresh start even though our year is coming to an end. My immediate goals are deep nurturing through the holiday season, lots of time spent walking in the woods, cooking glorious food, making the time to read lovely books, loving on my friends and family, writing when it feels good and for no particular reason and paying attention to what matters.

This is me standing fully in the light - no more filters (except on Instagram of course). Knowing I'm exactly where I need to be, that I deserve to be here and I'm allowed to be absolutely thrilled about it. There is more to come, I'm sure of it. Right now though, I'm all about the ride more than the destination at this stage of the game. November blessings my friends. There sure is a lot to be grateful for. 

Stepping Back In

I was totally and completely burnt out, overwhelmed and exhausted.

I had been struggling for months. I was depressed and completely uninspired but kept on plugging away. It all became too much. Too heavy. So I did what I thought was best. I let it go. I let all of it go. All commitments I had made to others. All the relationships that were hurting me. All the things that didn't hold passion. I even let go of my work. I let it all just slip through my finger tips. That sounds nice, right? Like sands through the hourglass....

Except it wasn't peaceful at all.

It felt more like sweeping my arm across a perfectly set table (that I had worked so hard on), sending it all smashing to the floor. I looked at all the mess and tried to believe that eventually it would sort itself out. In that moment I chose to deal with the here and now and that...required a blank slate. What I felt after all the mess was made, was a perfect mixture of utter fear and total relief.

There was no plan and no lists. I had consciously made the decision to live in limbo. I allowed the unknown to hold me, to become my compass. I didn't know what was going to happen or how long it would take. For once in my life I wasn't thinking ten steps ahead. All I needed was permission from myself to just wing it.

Amazing what can happen when you finally feed your permission starved self.

During that time frame I did a lot of what didn't come naturally: I put myself first. I made some choices that appeared odd to some outsiders and even family. I accepted help with things that were bigger than me. I learned how to establish and tend boundaries. I took it one step at a time. I made joy and pleasure a priority. I shared when it felt scary.

All of it helped. I healed. I'm still healing, still learning and best of all? I'm stepping back in and damn, it feels good to be back.

XO, Stephanie

---

Unexpected|Beautiful begins Feb 8th.

It was birthed from the experience that I just shared, blended with the past 4 years of successfully coaching beautiful, intelligent women back to themselves.

This course will provide a variety of avenues for you to connect with your innate treasure. Together, we will explore the thoughts we keep about ourselves, the physical spaces we inhabit, and invite in creativity and support.

Unexpected|Beautiful is a course with no intended purpose other than this: You will be making room for something great.

LEARN MORE >>>>

Hiding is Heavy

Sometimes you just don’t know.

Currently I'm fumbling and bumbling my way through this thing called “a life”. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this but I do know one thing...I’m having a really hard time with life right now. The last 5 years or so have been a total and complete whirlwind of good and not so good and it finally feels like the world has slowed down enough so I can hop off and start to make sense of everything. And by making sense of everything I really mean falling apart.

It feels good to tell you this. You see, I’m an INTENSELY private person. Like, when shit gets rough I have a hard time talking to anyone about anything, even my family about my hard times. Like, literally I can’t even speak, not even to the person I sleep next to every night. It’s weird. I’m all about strength, I have it tattooed on my body actually...in an awful crooked Chinese character, in between the bravery and happiness ones. All I can say is….I was 18 and it was the 90’s. I digress. So strength, yes, back to that….for the longest time telling anyone that I was struggling was like a me hanging a giant sign around my neck that said WEAK. Ugh, weakness...I can’t stomach it. I don’t DO weak.

So for the past few months I’ve been struggling friends and when I found myself crumpled on my kitchen floor I knew shit had to change. So I took a deep breath, got off the floor, brushed the crumbs off my butt and formed what I’m calling “My Team”....A therapist, a new primary care physician, a new chiropractor, a new non-crazy-making IUD, an energy worker, long walks 4-5 times a week, better food, cleaner water and the hardest choice of all to make...pulling back from my work for a bit (just a bit, please God let it be for just a bit). Because “pulling back” feels like failure some days. Most days actually. Old voices creep in that say “See, I told you, you couldn't hack it”...”You never stick with anything”...”You are so pathetic, get over yourself”.  I’ve for the most part, been keeping this all to myself except for a very select few. When I spilled my story to my friend last night, she said something that sounded like this: You are NOT weak Stephanie, you are STRONG. It struck a chord. I realized right at that moment that this was ridiculous. I can’t just disappear, I refuse to disappear from my life. I LOVE my life and the people in it.

Her telling me that stirred the pot, her timing could not of been more perfect. Damn straight I’m strong, strong enough that I know I can’t do this alone and strong enough to know that sharing my struggle with others isn’t going to stop the world from spinning and send you all scattering away from me. Well, some of you might leave but that’s ok, no judgement here. So I guess it’s just me and my beautiful, amazing and crazy supportive family of 4 that will be getting the bulk of my attention for a little bit of time. Though I have to say telling you all of this has taken so much pressure off. No pressure means no failing and somewhere in my brain if I know I can’t fail, I feel free-er to be me and being more me means having the ability to share in a more meaningful way. This feels really beautiful.

You guys, hiding is so much harder that it looks. Hiding is so heavy. Don’t be like me, don’t hide for as long as I did. Be strong. speak up, fall apart, you never know who will help you put the pieces back together again. Trust me there are willing parties that will help you do it. Never think you don’t have to do it alone. You are not weak my friend. You are strong, like a crooked, faded, totally imperfect Chinese character from the 90’s.

Adventures in Oils - Tridoshic Body Oil

Latley I've been making all sorts of things with essential oils in them. I recently bought the book "Skin Cleanse" by fellow holistic health coach Adina Grigore and owner of the lovely S.W. Basic skincare line. Her book is amazing and full of recipes for all sorts of things.

Yesterday, I made some deodorant and toothpaste. The deodorant is AWESOME. The toothpaste was mega disgusting...whomp whomp. I used some doTERRA essential oils in both products and I especially love the blend I used in the deodorant. It's called Clarycalm and is specifically used to balance women out during their moon time or cycle or period...whatever you like to call it, I'm partial to "cycle". 

Anyway, I smell awesome and I'm nourishing myself in a way I usually forget to when the sh*t hits the fan. I love that I'm killing two birds with one stone in one simple recipe. While I can't share her specific recipe from the book...let's just say it involves baking soda, a gluten free starch, coconut oil and essential oils. It took me 5 minutes to make enough for 2 months. I bet a Google search for something similar would get you good results. 

What I can do for you today is share a super yummy recipe for body oil I've made. You'll need a few things but it feels so silky and sacred every time you use it. 

"Abhyanga" is the Ayurvedic practice of anointing oneself with warm oil from the crown of the head to the tips of the toes. 

When done in a certain way this self massage is said to increase circulation, remove toxins, calm the nerves and soothe the skin.

The recipe I'm sharing today for herbalized oil is considered "tri-doshic" or good for all. If you happen to know your constitution, choose Sesame or Almond oil for Kapha and Vata and Coconut or Sunflower oil for Pitta.

If you don't know your constitution, here is a wonderful quiz to take. When in doubt, opt for sesame oil (not toasted). 

Tridoshic Body Oil

You'll need: 
3 cups of carrier oil 
A spoonful of rose petals and/or 8-10 drops rose essential oil 
A spoonful of lavender buds and/or 8-10 drops lavender essential oil 
1 cinnamon stick 
10 cardamon pods, cracked a bit 
8 whole cloves 
4 star anise pods 
1 vanilla bean, sliced down the middle

Directions: 
Gently warm your carrier oils in a pan if some of them are solid at room temperature. Allow it to cool and add in all the ingredients. Stir well and transfer to a glass jar(s) and let it infuse for 4 weeks or more in a cool & dark place. Shake every few days if you remember. Strain and store for future use.

*If giving as a gift, I would present it unstrained, as it looks so beautiful! You could even tuck in a note telling them how to strain and use the oil.

So, I don't usually mention doTERRA oils a ton. 

I use them at home and totally love them.
Yes. It's one of those multi-level marketing things. Yes, I make a little bit of money every time someone signs up under me.

Some of those who are underneath me are really going for it and working on making some serious income from themselves. I love that and support them fully.  Personally, I'm not planning on taking over the world with essential oils, health coaching and sacred space making keeps my hands full. I joined doTERRA almost 2 years ago totally unaware of how much I would truly like what the company makes. If you are interested in them I'm happy to share what I know with you, whether you use doTERRA oils or another brand.

DOTERRA DOES HAPPEN TO BE RUNNING A GREAT DEAL RIGHT NOW...

If you sign up with a starter kit this month, they will give you 50 points to use three days later..which works out to be around $45-$50 worth of products depending on what you get (score!). I've never seen this special so I'm sharing because I think it's great. I'm also happy to add you to my summer class, Sexy, Raw & Radiant ( a $49 value) for free if you join up with me. Shoot me an email if you want to get in touch about all this.

---

What if every meal you ate was a heart opening exercise?
What kind of layers would you shed if your food stripped down & got naked?
What would it feel like to pull up a chair at the radiant table?

Sexy, Raw & Radiant begins June 15th.

One Way to Get Radiant

Hello there beautiful.

Every once in awhile I like to time travel. I paw through old journals, unearth Google Documents or peek through old newsletters. There was this one story that had me pausing.

I kept thinking about it for the next few days after. I remember exactly how I was feeling when I wrote it all down. It's a story that makes me feel so, so good and I wanted to share it with you. Again. Because sometimes you have to hear a story a few times for it to really sink in...

Awhile ago I was at my favorite thrift store and I came across the most lovely and soft linen pants. Perfect condition. I eagerly squirreled away into the dressing room and was thrilled with how they fit. I took a look at the tag and almost passed completely on them.

There on the little tag were the words "J.Jill". 

Yup. These babies were full blown high waisted "mom pants". Or at least that's what I thought when I saw the label. I stood there and wrestled with the idea of what "mom pants" really meant to me. Who would I be if I actually bought these things? Had I become THAT person? At 32? It all felt very unsexy and slightly depressing.

I slid the pants on again, because they did have an elastic waist band after all. I looked at myself from all angles. They looked good, like really good and I kinda loved them. Classic without being dowdy.

My resolve to not buy them waivered. What the heck are "mom pants" anyway? Aren't they really just pants that are tailored for women who have had a kid or two and know that our bellies need just a toosh more support and some breathing room in the legs? Is that really so bad? Do we need to villanize ourselves for that?

I'm happy to report they are now one of my favorite pairs to wear.

That whole experience let me to another store more recently that I would have never considered shopping in until then.

I immedially fell in love with all the colors and textures I was seeing. The pants were fitting here too. So were the tops. It was almost as if they were made just for me. My body. A womans body. These clothes had me glowing from the inside out. This never happens anywhere else.

It was there in that store that I promised myself I would no longer be seduced by the cheap cotton/poly blends that called to me from the "Exhilaration" section of Target, which to be honest, had recently been leaving me with a feeling of anything BUT exhilarated by the time I left the dressing room.

I no longer need to suffer through fruitless trips to trendy stores who market to a slightly younger crowd and whose idea of what a size 10 (or 12 or 14 or 16 etc) should fit like is drastically different than mine.

So I guess what it all boils down to is this: If you want to feel like a radiant women, do yourself a favor and get your ass out of the juniors department.

There is nothing wrong with having a woman's body because we ARE women. I'm so ready to start celebrating that aren't you? We don't need to look like we're in high school anymore. We don't need to iron out our wrinkles and we totally don't need to wear clothes that threaten to cut off our circulation because someone said low-rise is where it's at.

We can just, you know, wear clothes that feel really good, make us feel gorgeous and try not to let the label in the back tell the whole story.

---

Want to know another way to get radiant? 

THE SPRING CLEANSE BEGINS APRIL 2oth.(Welcome Kits go out in a week!)

The food is super yum and the circle that is gather is beautiful. Want to learn more and sign up?

Follow this link right here...

What it isn't.

It isn't

about weight loss
or being a new you (the you right now is mighty fine)
or being good
or being better
or trying harder
or fixing yourself
or taking away because you've been bad
or because you can't be trusted alone with a fridge or a pantry
or because the scale is pointing to a new number
or staying put on the old one
or changing everything in 10 days
or good food vs. bad food
or being healthy
or having it be like this forever
or creating more confusion
or forever saying no because it feel virtuous

It could be

about uncovering your true cravings (the real ones that keep you up at night)
or realizing that you don't need to do it alone
or setting aside a small moment of your whole year to recenter
or being curious to see if eating differently makes a difference to how you feel
or because you know your body needs a little calm and time in the temple to make it through the winter intact
or checking in with your relationship to nourishment in this moment
or getting back your inspiration in the kitchen
or learning something new
or remembering something you forgot
or making time for some ultimate pampering
or eliminating nothing 
or finding your rythym this season
or realizing you need to take a breath after all the holiday turbulence
or following your own rules 
or you allowing for a little prompting and support so you can focus...on you

It can be. really. 
 

Submerge.

I could choose to stay in this state of anxiousness. To let the unknown swallow me up. To feel like loose ends dangling at the exact moment I have forgotten how to tie laces and pretty bows. I could let the tide carry me where it may, throwing me onto the shore of a deserted island or dragging me down to the depths where there is no place to breathe. I could say it doesn't really matter, make nice and stay quiet because that's what a good girl (or an evolved woman) is supposed to do.

or...i can submerge. 

Submerge is saying yes to all the things that feel like an open window on the first warm spring day.

Submerge is permission to feel whatever i want without guilt and apology. 

Submerge is allowing myself to sink in and finally make the time to heal the things that need healing.

Submerge is releasing my grip from the floating debris and quietly slipping below the waves that rock me to find the place where there is less friction and more steady, unencumbered movement.

Submerge is that moment when your ears fill with water and everything is dull and crystal clear simultaneously.

Submerge is presence with my children, my love, my business, my clients and friendships and myself.

Submerge in order to create offerings that align and heal in new ways, collaborate with women who speak my language and be open to experiences that require that good kind of stretching that feels like coming home and boarding a plane to somewhere new all at the same time.  

Submerge is not shying away from the work. dedicating myself to the parts that make me squirm and the ones with the potential to make me soar. 

Submerge and reunite with the creativity that's begging to recirculate through my veins.

I am ready. 

{After} thoughts

The scale was telling me a number that felt like a joke.  Like, the worst one ever. I never weigh myself (haven't in years) yet found myself looking down at a number that couldn't possibly belong to me. I held back the tears that were making my eyes burn.  I choked back all the feelings so I could just get through this stupid doctors appointment and then go home and hide form the world.

After all this fucking time. Still. Still it's there. Haunting me. Goddamn it. Here we go again. Another layer to investigate. I don't want to effing investigate anymore. I want to be done with it. I want it to be easy and organic. I want it to be second nature, I don't want to think about it. I was devastated. And pissed. Sad that I felt like I was back at square one ( I wasn't) and pissed that I was letting a number tell me how happy I got to be ( I was). 

A week before I had said yes to something.  A big something. Well, it felt big to me. I decided it was time to stretch and walk through the deep feelings of fear. Be willing to be seen and heard. Possibly accepted.  I was willing to get creative with a bunch of strangers. In between painting and sewing I might actually be able to look someone in the eye and tell them what I did without looking at the floor in shame, or worse, in apology.

I'm not going. I'll tell her I have the flu, that my kids are sick. I'll figure it out but I'm not going. I cried until there was nothing left. I looked up local gyms and thought about all the food I would try to not eat. I was all panicky as I crafted a plan to make all the feelings stop as soon as possible...the biggest one, the "you are a fraud" one. I sat with those feeling for the rest of the day. 

No email was sent that day. Or the next.

I woke up the following morning and realized that it was OK I freaked out. It was OK that I was pissed. But punishing myself was no way to be. What I needed was a flipp'in hug not a slap. 2014 was a TOUGH year for my family. A lot of amazing things happened yes, but privately there was a lot of heartache, sadness and anger swirling in the mix as well. The number on that scale wasn't shaming me or taunting me. It was telling me a story about my year and my habits. It told me how I handled stress and heartache. It told me a story about what I needed and what I was stuffing down. I realized it was an offering of grace. It was a gentle reminder to pay attention. To slow down and stop running away. I realized that it was a gift to see that number. I never look down when I get weighed at the doctors office. I dutifully look at the wall and pretend I'm somewhere else. Yet, for some reason my eyes lowered and now that I had time to let it all sink in... I was willing and open to see where that would lead me.  

It lead me to the The Cape.

For two days I hung with women I only knew from the pictures they posted and even more that I hadn't been blessed to meet yet. It was amazing. It was transformative...I guess that's what happens when you circle with women. I loved listening to their stories. To see what they made and how it became their essence in earthly form. To be seen and heard and loved just for being there was a gift. To be accepted and feel like I was enough was...everything. To create with my hands for no other reason than because it felt good was amazing.

All of this felt better than a hot bagel smothered in cream cheese could ever taste. 

I left on Sunday with linen prayer flags, a painted antler and so much love and gratitude in my heart for all the women I got to spend time with.  I felt so lucky that I was a "creative woman with means" as one of the other women at the retreat so wisely stated. I may have alternated between crying and singing along with Regina Spektor and Bon Iver the entire way home.

So here we are. My secret is out. I struggle with my body shit too. I'm also learning how to love and trust being with other women in the flesh. This isn't exactly the vision I had for my "first official post" in this space but here I am anyway. Standing before you. The imperfect health councilor that will never stop peeling back the layers with you. Because every body deserves to feel radiant and deeply rooted no matter where they are. So much love to you. 

 

Here I am.

Candles flickering. A warm mug of chai. Incense wafting. Cozy blankets and squishy pillows. There is a seat here for you right next to me. Welcome to our altar.

 This is going to be the most sacred of spaces. The place where we can share a virtual meal, talk about what rhythms & rituals make our bodies and souls fill will radiance, chit-chat about our nests and so much more. I am beyond excited and honored to share all my favorite things with you.  Stay tuned to this spot, there is oh so much more to come.

Life is so beautiful isn't it? I am so glad you're here.