Sometimes you just don’t know.
Currently I'm fumbling and bumbling my way through this thing called “a life”. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this but I do know one thing...I’m having a really hard time with life right now. The last 5 years or so have been a total and complete whirlwind of good and not so good and it finally feels like the world has slowed down enough so I can hop off and start to make sense of everything. And by making sense of everything I really mean falling apart.
It feels good to tell you this. You see, I’m an INTENSELY private person. Like, when shit gets rough I have a hard time talking to anyone about anything, even my family about my hard times. Like, literally I can’t even speak, not even to the person I sleep next to every night. It’s weird. I’m all about strength, I have it tattooed on my body actually...in an awful crooked Chinese character, in between the bravery and happiness ones. All I can say is….I was 18 and it was the 90’s. I digress. So strength, yes, back to that….for the longest time telling anyone that I was struggling was like a me hanging a giant sign around my neck that said WEAK. Ugh, weakness...I can’t stomach it. I don’t DO weak.
So for the past few months I’ve been struggling friends and when I found myself crumpled on my kitchen floor I knew shit had to change. So I took a deep breath, got off the floor, brushed the crumbs off my butt and formed what I’m calling “My Team”....A therapist, a new primary care physician, a new chiropractor, a new non-crazy-making IUD, an energy worker, long walks 4-5 times a week, better food, cleaner water and the hardest choice of all to make...pulling back from my work for a bit (just a bit, please God let it be for just a bit). Because “pulling back” feels like failure some days. Most days actually. Old voices creep in that say “See, I told you, you couldn't hack it”...”You never stick with anything”...”You are so pathetic, get over yourself”. I’ve for the most part, been keeping this all to myself except for a very select few. When I spilled my story to my friend last night, she said something that sounded like this: You are NOT weak Stephanie, you are STRONG. It struck a chord. I realized right at that moment that this was ridiculous. I can’t just disappear, I refuse to disappear from my life. I LOVE my life and the people in it.
Her telling me that stirred the pot, her timing could not of been more perfect. Damn straight I’m strong, strong enough that I know I can’t do this alone and strong enough to know that sharing my struggle with others isn’t going to stop the world from spinning and send you all scattering away from me. Well, some of you might leave but that’s ok, no judgement here. So I guess it’s just me and my beautiful, amazing and crazy supportive family of 4 that will be getting the bulk of my attention for a little bit of time. Though I have to say telling you all of this has taken so much pressure off. No pressure means no failing and somewhere in my brain if I know I can’t fail, I feel free-er to be me and being more me means having the ability to share in a more meaningful way. This feels really beautiful.
You guys, hiding is so much harder that it looks. Hiding is so heavy. Don’t be like me, don’t hide for as long as I did. Be strong. speak up, fall apart, you never know who will help you put the pieces back together again. Trust me there are willing parties that will help you do it. Never think you don’t have to do it alone. You are not weak my friend. You are strong, like a crooked, faded, totally imperfect Chinese character from the 90’s.